Not because I hate teaching
Not because I hate my students
Not because I hate my coworkers
But because right now, all of it.....is really hard.
For some reason, everything seems impossible, another mountain to climb, another obstacle to overcome. And I am so weak. And I feel so alone in all of it. (I know that I am not, but it certainly feels like that.) Every day I wake up and I am faced with the reality that I have to get out of bed and do it all again. I sometimes put off going to bed because I know I will have to get up in the morning.
Maybe I am being a bit dramatic, because my life is a little crazy with grad school and the other myriad of things I have committed myself to.
And I am so weak. And I don't have the strength.
I am and I don't.
Thank goodness for Jesus. Thank goodness that he lived the perfect life so I don't have to. Thank goodness that his blood covers all of my weakness and failings. Rom 5:8.."but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
You know what reminded me of that. My students....the ones that I had 4 years ago, when I was fresh out of college and was just trying to survive, but in a different way. I went to a high school football game and I was reminded that God does things even though I fail completely.
The attack hugs, the shout outs, the smiles....they reminded me that God might have used me in a ways that I can't even comprehend.
I left the game with a happy heart and a grin, because these students who couldn't remember to bring paper and pencil to class, the ones that talked when I didn't want them to, and failed to do their homework, were marching in a band, photographing the game, leading cheers, and scoring touchdowns.
They are on the precipice of life and it is amazing to watch.
So....I will go back on Monday, because I am weak and I don't have the strength, but I serve the God who does and who will work in the gaps of where I fail.
" My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."